Tom Brady’s hypothetical NFL retirement items

Longtime New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady wasn’t welcomed to the NFL by cheering plenty and an on-stage hug from commissioner Paul Tagliabue — Brady was the 199th choose in 2000 — however he actually deserves to ultimately go away the league like a rock star.

We’re speaking a couple of G.O.A.T. (GOing Away Tour) for the G.O.A.T.


New York Yankees nice Derek Jeter obtained one. Within the NBA, Dwyane Wade did a jersey swap tour and the late, nice Kobe Bryant obtained ovations and mementos all through his final season. Everyone is aware of the NFL would not do the cheesy-gift, thanks-for-the-memories factor, however would not or not it’s the proper technique to say goodbye?

One 12 months after celebrating itself with the centennial anniversary, the NFL might proceed the celebration with a Brady bash. Nobody is aware of if 2020 might be his final season and even the place he might be taking part in, however he might be taking snaps for some workforce. As he claimed in his now-famous Tremendous Bowl LIV industrial, “I am not going anyplace.”


It is onerous to seek out the suitable items for a man who already has loads of jewellery (six Tremendous Bowl rings), a supermodel spouse, a super-weird food regimen and a supersized checking account ($235 million in profession earnings), however our NFL Nation crew did some brainstorming and formulated a farewell present plan for the person who has the whole lot.

Here is taking a look at you

Los Angeles Rams: A video digital camera. To today, former Rams star Marshall Faulk believes the Patriots illegally taped a walk-through apply in the course of the run-up to Tremendous Bowl XXXVI in New Orleans (the unique Patriots controversy). This was 2002, 5 years earlier than the Patriots have been busted for Spygate. The NFL discovered no proof of dishonest on the Tremendous Bowl, however Faulk continues to spew his conspiracy principle. (FYI, the Rams misplaced).

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Stephen A. Smith explains why Tom Brady won’t mesh effectively with Jon Gruden in Las Vegas.

Carolina Panthers: A video digital camera. Completely different Tremendous Bowl, identical suspicion. There are these within the Panthers’ group who nonetheless consider the Patriots taped their practices previous to Tremendous Bowl XXXVIII. Mentioned a workforce supply just a few years in the past, “Our gamers got here in after that first half and mentioned it was like [the Patriots] have been in our huddle. Do I’ve any tape to show they cheated? No. However I am satisfied they did it.” (FYI, the Panthers misplaced).

Cincinnati Bengals: A video digital camera and a pair of SD playing cards. After a 2-14 season, the Bengals are entitled to a chuckle or two after the newest videotaping flap involving the Patriots. What is going to Brady do with three cameras? Perhaps he can use them to make his personal documentary, the retirement model: “Tom versus All of the Time within the World.”

Trend statements (together with a sure undergarment)

San Francisco 49ers: An adult-sized 49ers uniform in Joe Montana’s No. 16. We’d as effectively begin at first, proper? Brady grew up close to San Francisco and was an enormous fan of the 49ers and Montana, whose jersey he as soon as wore for Halloween. The 49ers can also embody an apology letter for passing on him 9 instances within the 2000 draft. The place have you ever gone, Gio Carmazzi?

That is Tom Brady… in a @JoeMontana costume.

MORE: http://t.co/JvXUyTSXAY pic.twitter.com/hZBO3nMDxP

— San Francisco 49ers (@49ers) January 30, 2015

New York Jets: A framed Mo Lewis jersey. The previous Jets linebacker will get an help for ushering within the Brady period. On Sept. 23, 2001, Lewis knocked Patriots starter Drew Bledsoe out of the sport with a devastating blow that almost killed him, as we later discovered. In got here the thin, second-year quarterback from Michigan, and he by no means left. Do not be shocked if the jersey is not autographed. Lewis, who had a terrific professional profession, is chafed by the notion that he is remembered for just one play.

Chicago Bears: Brian Urlacher’s jockstrap. Brady’s most well-known play in opposition to the Bears occurred in 2006, when his sluggish ft turned magical for a fleeting second. In some way, he juked Urlacher, who was the Defensive Participant of the Yr the season prior, within the open area to select up a pivotal first right down to seal New England’s win. That play did not make Urlacher’s Corridor of Fame spotlight video.

Cleveland Browns: Seven pairs of Odell Beckham Jr. cleats, signifying the variety of wins Brady owns over the Browns in his profession. Brady can add them to the “GOAT” cleats that Beckham gifted him after their sport in October, which included precise goat hair. No, it wasn’t dyed blond.

Miami Dolphins: Aqua swim trunks. The warmth and humidity have taken their toll on Brady, who calls Miami “a difficult place to play.” He has misplaced extra video games in Miami (10) than every other highway metropolis. If Brady decides to be a cliché and retire in South Florida — or if he simply visits every now and then — he can escape the trunks and simply chill.

Houston Texans: A letterman jacket. In 2012, the Texans thought they have been scorching stuff. With an 11-1 report, they determined to put on matching letterman jackets to a sport at Gillette Stadium. Unhealthy thought. They obtained blown out by the Patriots and Brady, who threw 4 touchdowns. Since then, they’ve but to win at Gillette (Zero-5).

The Texans’ ill-famed letter jackets would possibly make an awesome “White Elephant” present for Brady as a result of he has owned the Texans. Invoice Baptist

Images and recollections

Arizona Cardinals: A DVD of the Cardinals’ 2016 opener in opposition to the Patriots. Now Brady can see the whole lot he missed as a result of he wasn’t there; he did not make the journey to the desert as a result of he began serving his four-game suspension for Deflategate. For those who’re unfamiliar with that controversy, the Patriots have been accused of utilizing underinflated footballs within the 2014 AFC title sport. In January 2015, the NFL started investigating the Patriots. Virtually 5 months later, the investigation concluded that the Patriots did use underinflated footballs. Brady was suspended for 4 video games. His enchantment went all the best way to the USA Circuit Courtroom of Appeals earlier than being upheld, and Brady missed the beginning of the 2016 season. Like many issues, it did not matter. The Patriots defeated the Falcons in Tremendous Bowl LI that season and Brady was named MVP of the sport.

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For the report, Brady’s understudy led the Patriots to a 23-21 victory. That understudy has carried out effectively for himself; Jimmy Garoppolo helped the 49ers to Tremendous Bowl LIV.

New York Giants: A condolence card. Pricey Tom: Sorry to your losses, Tremendous Bowl XLII and XLVI. RIP, good season. No regrets, (signed) Eli.

Oakland Raiders: A laminated copy of “The Tuck Rule,” signed by Charles Woodson. Brady benefited from one of the vital controversial calls in sports activities historical past, the fumble that wasn’t a fumble. In snowy Foxborough for the 2001 AFC divisional playoffs, Woodson jarred the ball unfastened from his former school teammate, however the Patriots retained possession because of a unusual rule — one of many signature moments at first of the New England dynasty.

Philadelphia Eagles: An autographed copy of Nick Foles’ ebook, “Imagine It.” Brady nonetheless may need a tough time believing he misplaced to the Cinderella quarterback in Tremendous Bowl LII, however this tome ought to function a reminder. Brady was good that day, passing for a postseason-record 505 yards, however he got here up quick in the long run.

Jacksonville Jaguars: A photograph of Jaguars linebacker Myles Jack returning a fumble within the 2017 AFC Championship Sport, signed by referee Clete Blakeman. An obvious untimely whistle by Blakeman’s crew nullified what might have been a game-clinching play for the Jaguars. Jack scooped up a unfastened ball and ran to the top zone, however it was blown useless as a result of it was dominated Patriots working again Dion Lewis was down by contact. The Jaguars would have had a 17-point lead within the fourth quarter, however wound up shedding by 4. Brady will get all of the breaks, proper?

Oh, what may need been had referees not blown useless Myles Jack’s scoop-and-score fumble restoration in opposition to the Patriots within the 2017 AFC title sport. David J. Phillip/AP

Soccer stuff

Indianapolis Colts: A totally inflated soccer, an air pump, a PSI gauge and an autographed image of Mona Lisa Vito (aka actress Marisa Tomei). Brady can re-gift the Mona Lisa Vito picture to Patriots coach Invoice Belichick, who famously referenced the “My Cousin Vinny” character in his rambling and comical protection of his workforce within the Deflategate scandal.

Brady might re-gift a photograph of Marisa Tomei as Mona Lisa Vito. The film “My Cousin Vinny” is a favourite of Invoice Belichick’s. Ron Galella/Getty Photographs

Pittsburgh Steelers: Totally functioning sideline headsets. In 2015, Steelers coach Mike Tomlin created massive information by complaining his headset malfunctioned throughout a sport at Gillette Stadium. He mentioned there was a lot interference that he truly picked up the sign from the Patriots’ radio broadcast. Alleged foul play by the Patriots? In different headlines: “Fall Foliage Hits New England Area.”

New Orleans Saints: Drew Brees’ sport ball from their 2009 assembly. Brees posted the one good passer score of his profession in opposition to the Patriots in a 38-17 trouncing that season en path to New Orleans’ Tremendous Bowl win. Brady and Brees have taken turns exchanging bragging rights ever since Brady’s Michigan Wolverines clobbered Brees’ Purdue Boilermakers of their solely school assembly in 1999. Brees is Three-2 in head-to-head conferences within the professionals and has the NFL’s profession information for passing yardage and TD passes. Alas, Brady has the last word mic drop — six rings to 1.

Atlanta Falcons: Julio Jones. Psych!

Baltimore Ravens: New wristbands. Each time Brady confronted Ed Reed and the Ravens, he wrote, “Discover No. 20 on each play” on his playcall wristband — the quarterback’s equal to a Put up-It be aware. It labored to combined outcomes. He went Four-Three in opposition to the Ravens (together with 1-2 within the playoffs) and was intercepted twice by the Professional Soccer Corridor of Fame security.

A number of issues to loosen up with

Inexperienced Bay Packers: A present card to Kroll’s West. This in style hangout, identified for its native favorites, is positioned throughout Ridge Highway from Lambeau Subject. Since he is hanging ’em up, the health-conscious Brady will not have to fret about staying in form. A butterburger and an order of fried cheese curds are calling his identify. Man can eat kale for under so lengthy.

Maybe, after soccer, the famously wholesome Brady will let himself go. In that case, he can benefit from the butterburger at Kroll’s West in Inexperienced Bay. Kroll’s West

Denver Broncos: A weekend getaway to a Rocky Mountain spa resort. The Broncos owe him some pampering after the beatdowns they administered over time. Brady is Four-7 in Denver, together with Zero-Three within the postseason. In his most up-to-date playoff look within the Mile Excessive Metropolis — Jan. 20, 2016 — he took maybe the worst beating of his profession — 20 quarterback hits. Maybe a lavender-scented suite with a hot-stone therapeutic massage will relieve among the strain, anxiousness and unhealthy recollections of Denver.

Buffalo Payments: A two-night keep on the Curtiss Resort in downtown Buffalo. In 2012, Brady infamously commented on the accommodations on the town whereas describing his relationship together with his father, saying, “I do not know for those who guys have ever been to the accommodations in Buffalo — they are not the nicest locations on this planet — however he would nonetheless journey to these locations.” Effectively, the Curtiss is a five-star lodge and would welcome a really Brady weekend.

‘Loopy wealthy’ items

Dallas Cowboys: A trip on Cowboys proprietor and common supervisor Jerry Jones’ $250 million yacht. Brady has been cruising in opposition to the Cowboys since he broke into the league (a 5-Zero report), so why not? Gisele and the children can sit back on the 357-foot boat, the marine model of Jerry’s World.

Looking forward to the offseason:
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Detroit Lions: A job. You understand, if he desires one. Regardless that Brady hasn’t performed in Michigan in 20 years, he is nonetheless extremely in style and Matt Patricia is aware of Brady higher than nearly any coach within the league. Brady additionally has extra Tremendous Bowl titles than the Lions as a franchise. Plus, he might attend the Michigan-Ohio State rivalry sport each season. Perhaps he could possibly be a much-needed good-luck attraction for coach Jim Harbaugh, too.

The grand finale

Seattle Seahawks: They already gave Brady a memorable present within the type of a goal-line interception that allowed him to assert his fourth Tremendous Bowl, however he gave the truck he received as the sport’s MVP to Malcolm Butler, the interceptor. The Seahawks will make up for that by gifting Brady the popular car of outdoorsy Pacific Northwest varieties — a Subaru wagon with a hatch sufficiently big to suit all six of his Vince Lombardi Trophies. And since the Seahawks are reluctantly opening the deepest wound in franchise historical past, their present will include a dig at Brady: Self-importance plates that learn “UMADBRO.” (h/t Richard Sherman).

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